Why do teachers give us assignments that are so impossible to do!?!? I spent 4 hours in the library today... MY ENTIRE COMP CLASS (minus three people) was in there, too!! Some of them were there longer than I was!! GEESH!!

Insanity, I tell you. INSANITY. GAH!

I have never been this stressed (honestly). My stomach... you know how when you laugh really hard your stomach muscles tense up and they ache? Mine have been like that all day and I can't get them to relax. I haven't hardly eaten anything in the past few days because I've been so stressed out and for some reason I'm like SUPER TIRED ALL THE TIME even though I get tons of sleep now. UGH!

I finally finished my homework for tonight. Barely.

I have a paper due on this homework on Monday. I'm gonna have a real' FUN weekend (yeah! - not.)

I had an assignment due before midnight tonight, but I didn't do it because I was in the library all night. I realized I needed to do it at like 12:04. But now it's considered late.

Also, I have all B's and one A. I need more A's to keep my GPA up or else they'll take my scholarship away and then I can't afford college anymore. My parents have already told me that if I don't keep that scholarship then there's no way I can keep going here, it would be too expensive.

My mom keeps threatening me to get my grade up and all she's doing is adding to the stress and making me feel worse about it. I KNOW I need to get my grades up. I am doing the best that I can. For some reason my best is no longer good enough.

-Jesse

I ended up reading The Inheritance by Louisa May Alcott yesterday. She's such an interesting person to me. She reminds me of Anne of Green Gables... and of myself. I've always related so strongly with the little clips of her letters and journal entries that I ended up reading for some reason. When I read her books I feel that way, too... but see The Inheritance was "Her first novel, written at seventeen" as it says on the cover. It made me think of my writing, and I was rather depressed because I haven't actually written a whole novel yet.

That's actually a lie - I wrote a whole novel called Veky's Journal which was absolutely HORRID even though my best friend claims it was "better than any book" ... I still say she was lying out of kindness.

My curse is that I start things and do not finish them. Sigh!

Anyway... last night I was like "I'm going to start writing this story!" I've had this story in my head since I was 12. Since then it's been heavily refined and improved, but it's never made its way onto paper. I have tried - MULTIPLE times. I think the number is now somewhere around 5 or 6. One time I actually got six whole chapters into it. The problem for me has always been two things - "How to start it?" and "What tone to use!?". I have a version of the story written in very story-like form... "once there was a castle, and in this castle there lived three princesses" and etc. ... then there's one written in like a martyr tone... "there once was a girl whose father hated her." ... THEN there's one in this comical, cheery tone that describes everything with clever twists that make you giggle and subtleties that are lost in  one-line example... then there's the awful "first try" one I wrote when I was like 13 and there's a scene where the girl and guy are like "omgwash you like me". Wow. That's real... profound.... then there's a version where I just launch into the action and don't explain anything - I try to make it sound really interesting, like "Once there was a princess. She was betrayed by her father and kidnapped by a vengeful king. KABLAM!"

I wish I were making this up. Hahaha. (Wait, technically - I AM making this up!!!)

Anyway. Nobobdy's gonna read this, I don't know why I write it.

ANYWAY.

Last night I realized that I don't actually know who Anni (the main character of the story) actually is. The other characters have clearly defined personalities, but the one who it all centres around? No idea. My small attempts at giving her a character end up with her becoming completely unbelievable - the stereotypical fiery rebellious teenage girl who is fearless and strong and knows what she's doing. Yeah right. When I meet that person I will let you know.

Instead, I started listing adjectives that would describe her, knowing her predicament in life, her culture, her heritage, etc... I started listing things like "Sheltered. Insecure. Striving for approval. Shy. Curious. Self-sufficient. Big reader." And at the same time, the power balance between her sisters began to shift. I started to realize that there was no way you could have a sheltered sister who was favoured by one parent and despised by the other and still this girl has a BEAUTIFUL relationship with her two younger sisters. No way. One of them, at least, is bound to pick up on how their mother favours the older sister and resent it... and one of them, at least, is bound to pick up on how their father despises the older sister and either join in or becoming confused by it... There would definitely have to be some torn loyalties and typically sibling rivalry made even stronger by the different levels of favour bestowed by the different parents.

Somehow in the course of ONE DAY I have developed a rich family structure besides just "Her mother favoured her and her father was jealous of the relationship between his daughter and his wife and so he hated his daughter for it." Which is pretty much all you get to see in the earlier versions... her family life is glossed over quickly and she's thrown into the action, where her natural fearless bravado comes into play.

Yeah RIGHT.

I'm thinking that I need to ease into the action. I think that I want the reader to experience Anni's LIFE... the earlier versions have Anni as the like unknown character that the story centres around. The story is focused on her mother, her idol, her love interest, and her father more than HER... I found a way somehow to tell HER story using every other character BUT herself!!!

And in some WEIRD way (since I see this A LOT in my own writing), I think that I do that because I feel like I don't know myself. I define myself by everyone else but just MYSELF. Similarly, I define my boyfriend by everything but himself, and my mother by everything but herself... no one, for osme reason, in my mind, has any value in and of themselves. Their value and definition are assigned to them by the people and circumstances that surround them. It's ... it's wrong.

Anni was originally designed to be a lot like me. When I first thought of the story, I felt like my father was slighting me and so I lived out my heroic adventure in my mind through the telling of Anni's life... and I think in some strange way, I defined her by what I defined myself, and never got to KNOW her like I never got to know myself.

I know myself a lot better now, and I think it's about time I got to know her, too.

-Jesse

People are always like "If you could ask God one question, what would it be?" and people always say things like "Why do bad things happen to good people" and "What is the meaning of life" and stuff like that. Not me. If I had a chance to ask God anything, I would ask - "How do they get those cars in the mall?"

Seriously. I've heard all sorts of explanations, none of which I believe. My boyfriend claims that the double doors at the entrance to the mall actually COME OFF the hinges and they drive the car through that way. A very unreliable website called Just Horse Crazy suggest that they bring them in on a big loading ramp in the back and drive the car through a secret system of tunnels and hallways and in through a random door that is hidden in the wall. When I was little, I used to believe that the glass panelling on the ceiling pulled back and they lowered the cars in on cranes.

I believe none of this. The door thing. Seriously? No. The mall I live by has electronic doors. I have looked at them over and over again and see no signs of them being able to "come off" their hinges. And besides, there's BARS in between them. I doubt you could fit a car through them.

The secret tunnels thing? Okay. MAYBE. In SOME MALLS. But how do you explain the cars on the SECOND FLOOR? o_O;;; There are no elevators big enough to hold a car and they sure as heck don't fit on the escalator.

Giant cranes? I think you would notice giant cranes just lying around the mall parking lot.

The closest explanation I can think of is that they are dissasembled and then re-assembled inside the mall by tiny robots at night. OR! The fairies. They shrink the cars, transport them inside of the mall and then blow them up huge again.

It is a mystery that continues to allude me... and so yes. Given the opportunity to ask God one question, that is what I would ask. Because... really... life would be boring it I knew the answer to the rest. :(

Other good questions would include "How does the gas pump know when it's done filling up?" and "Who was the first person to pick up an oyster and think 'mm this looks good'?" and best of all "How did they decide that we eat seven spiders every year when we sleep? Did they film a guy sleeping for years? Did they wake up sporadically in their sleep and spit up spiders? How do they KNOW!?"

-Jesse

if it is better to write things that challenge people's thinking, or write things that make people happy.

The world needs a lot more happiness.

Speaking of...



-Jesse

 

I have held you against my heart since before creation,
As we designed the stars together as a whole; a trinity.
Omnipotent - I feel powerless against this incarnation.
My child - what now is mortal was once infinity.

And now your hands, they run with dying blood.
I cannot watch my perfect son becoming sin.
They drop your broken shell into the mud.
My only hope is that soon you'll be with me again.

And now those that say they love and know you,
They might as well have spit upon your face.
They judge, steal, kill, despise for what is "true."
I have to watch them make you a disgrace.

And now they turn to me with worship and praise.
Though he refuses to hear me, I still listen as the hypocrite prays.

I've discovered... well okay I knew it all along but I finally came to terms with... the fact that I get so passionate and get so angry and can be so persuasive about all these things, and yet I don't live them out in my own life. I really don't. I talk about how love and kindness are super important and yet I am angry and distant towards the people who need me. I tell other people that they need to do stuff and then I don't follow my own danged advice. It kind of sucks.

On the other, brighter, more sparkly and cheery hand - I have fallen so much in love with God. It's... weird. Really. I will be reading and I'll feel this tugging at my heart, like almost a physical pain, a LONGING. And I'll know that I NEED to go be with God or else I'll drive myself crazy, or... like... I miss God like missing a physical person. And I throw myself at God and babble and I don't even know how to say what I'm saying when I talk to him, all I know is I need him in my life and I need him to do something incredible and to be the one who changes me into doing what I preach... He knows how I really feel, so surely he'll understand.

And now to study Psychology... ewww brains. asdfasof!!

-Jesse

I sent it. I did. And she actually replied and was apologetic and asked forgivness. She's never said things like that before. Ever! It was incredible. I couldn't read it all at once. I had to keep coming back because I kept crying. It was really good, and I'm glad I did it now.

-Jesse

Mom...

Stop talking down to me. I am not spoiled. When I am in situations where I am forced to deal with less - I do. I'm not a brat like you think I am and I absolutely hate when you constantly talk like I'm going to grow up like some rich hoity-toity chick and want to have everything laid out for me. When you tell me that I'm spoiled, I'm a brat, etc. it hurts me incredibly deeply to know that my own MOTHER thinks these things of me. And don't pretend like you have not said those things to me over and over again - I have grown up KNOWING that is your opinion of me. I have far more respect for myself than to let you make me believe that I am those things, because I'm not. No. I know that the good things in life take time, effort, and hard work, and I don't expect to be living exactly like I have my whole life. I'm smarter than that.

I really hate how you constantly shove this "GOOD" job crap at me. You know what I want to be. You know that it's very unlikely I will be making tons of money "like Kara". She's a LEGAL AIDE! I wanted to be a TEACHER my entire life! There is no comparison! You KNOW that I will probably never be rich in life. You KNOW this so why do you constantly try and make me feel guilty about it? Do you think that I'm going to change my mind? That I'm suddenly going to go from wanting to be a writer and a worker in a teenage rehab centre to suddenly BAM something that makes tons of money but that I hate and am miserable at? I really don't CARE if I live in a tiny used house driving USED cars (oh heaven forbid that I have anything used) with a bunch of kids who I homeschool (gasp can it be so?) and a guy who doesn't make a ton of money. I fell in love with a guy who doesn't plan on being rich, and ~I~ don't plan on being rich - I've known I was going to be poor ever since I was like TEN. I knew it. Teachers don't get paid much. Neither do writers. Psychologists do if you're only in it for the cash, but what if you are doing it out of a motivation of HELPING OTHERS and you really don't care how much money you make?

I KNOW that life is hard and that sometimes people can barely make ends meet, and I KNOW that that will probably be my lot in life. I do not have the same ideals for a perfect life that you have. You want everything neat, orderly, new, clean, beautiful, and perfect for the happy life you didn't get as a child. I was given everything as a child. You did your job well. But I have a different set of values than you do. I would rather be poor and happy. If I ever start wanting money over my own happiness in a career or a husband or a family or a house or anything, I am going to be miserable.

You talk about how girls who have daddies who give them everything grow up and demand that their husband give them everything. I really don't care. If I want something in life, I will work for it. I've grown up in the Independent Woman culture. I don't depend on a guy to give me everything and I really don't care about what I have as it is. I am completely blessed and grateful to not be forced to work for everything right now. I have an amazing freedom to focus on school and the things I love while I am young instead of being forced into the harsh realities of life at such a young age like so many of my friends. But that doesn't mean that I don't realize there are harsh realities OUT THERE.  I do not assume that I am going to live a privileged life forever. I know that I've been coddled my entire life and I'm grateful that I don't HAVE to slave away to have what I have - I'm happy in my situation now. But if it changed? I wouldn't be a floundering little fish who has no idea where to go or what to do. You act like I don't know anything about the world. I may not have experienced it first hand but I still know what life is like.

I have spent my entire life trying to live up to your expectations. I have been completely confused my entire life about why I wasn't measuring up to your standards of goodness in the world. I have always wanted to pursue my dreams and the things I loved, and you never supported me in any of them. When I was in Jr. High I told you that I wanted to be a photographer. You told me that "Photographers don't make any money." I gave up that dream immediately because of YOUR opinion. You think that you're being practical and telling me about the realities of the world, but you're not helping anything! The only message you are sending me is that I am not good enough unless I am making money. I had a sheet once where I wrote down everything I would ever want to be. It was full of my passions and dreams and all of the things I hoped for in life. You found it and wrote "Doctor" and "Lawyer" on there. Do you know what that says to me? That you don't support me in the things I am passionate about. You have this obsession with money that I know comes from the fact that you weren't given the wonderful childhood that I was... but why can't you see me as me wanting to live my life the way I want instead of trying to put your ideas of the perfect life onto me? You never supported me in wanting to be with Chris. The very moment I started going out with him you started pushing guys like Phil and Straub on me. What was the difference between them and Chris? Hmm. Phil and Straub were millionaires? Yes. They fit into your idea of the perfect life. But we have completely different views of a perfect life! I love Chris and if you haven't noticed, a year and a half has gone by and we haven't broken up yet. He's going to Evangel next year. Chances are, we might end up getting married after college - that is the direction both of us are heading with our life. I wish I could be happy knowing that you would want me to be with him who loves me.

You of ALL people should understand how I'm feeling. You constantly tell me about your childhood and how you tried so hard to win your father's approval and he never gave it to you. Can't you see that I have been trying my entire life to earn your approval but have always ALWAYS felt that I couldn't have that until I gave up everything that I love? I just want to know that you can encourage me and support me in my life choices even if I'm not exactly like you had planned on me being.

I try and I try but I always fail. I'm sick of failing. And yet in the back of my mind, this small voice tells me that even after I poured my heart out into this email, you probably still will take no effort to listen or understand.

-Jesse

Patience. Definitely patience. I am too quick to respond whenever someone offends me or I feel some injustice has taken place. I know what it would take to GAIN patience and I'm too impatient to go through it. But if patience could magically be granted to me, that would be incredibly amazing.